Is My Houseplant Judging Me? A Deep Dive into Plant-Based Side Eye
The Time My Fiddle Leaf Fig Sided With My Ex
We’ve all been there, right? You’re sprawled on the couch, three episodes deep into a reality TV marathon, and you catch a glimpse of your houseplant. It’s not just the way the light hits the leaves, it’s…judgment. Pure, unadulterated plant-based judgment.
For me, it started with Ferdinand, my majestic fiddle leaf fig. He was a gift from my ex, and let’s just say Ferdinand and I never really clicked. I’m talking wilting leaves, dramatic drooping, the works. My ex, of course, had the magic touch. Ferdinand practically bloomed under his care.
Was Ferdinand judging my taste in partners? My lifestyle choices? The fact that I once accidentally watered him with orange juice? (In my defense, it was 5 a.m., and the containers looked similar!) I’m convinced it was a silent, leafy judgment that followed me for months.
Do Peace Lilies Disapprove of Bad Dates?
Ferdinand wasn’t an isolated incident. My peace lily, Petunia, has mastered the art of passive-aggressive drooping. Forget watering schedules and humidity levels; Petunia operates on pure vibes.
Case in point: my online dating life. I swear, every time I’m about to go on a date with someone Petunia deems “unworthy,” her leaves hit the floor faster than you can say “ghosting.”