The Side-Eye from a Fiddle Leaf Fig
It all started innocently enough. I, like many during the dark days of 2020, decided to become a Plant Parent™. I envisioned a home filled with lush greenery, a serene oasis where I, newly zen and one with nature, would sip herbal tea and contemplate the universe. Instead, I got a crash course in passive-aggressive judgment, courtesy of my new fiddle leaf fig, Ferdinand.
Exhibit A: Crumbs and Career Changes – My Fiddle Leaf Knows All
I’d like to think I’m a relatively put-together individual. I pay my bills (mostly) on time, I can keep a conversation going, and I haven’t set anything on fire in the kitchen lately. But Ferdinand, oh, Ferdinand sees right through me. He knows that beneath the veneer of adulting lies a core of mild chaos.
Take, for instance, the Great Crumb Incident of 2023. Picture this: I’m sprawled on the couch, laptop precariously balanced on my knees, desperately trying to meet a deadline while simultaneously binge-watching a reality show about competitive baking (don’t judge). Crumbs, naturally, are casualties in this war between productivity and procrastination.
Enter Ferdinand.
As I’m brushing a particularly stubborn croissant flake off my shirt, I swear I see him… shudder. Or maybe it was a gentle breeze from the window? No, I’m convinced it was a shudder, a full-body plant tremor of disgust. It was then I realized: Ferdinand had become the embodiment of my conscience, silently judging my every less-than-ideal choice.
And it didn’t stop there. Remember that career change I was so excited about? The one that was supposed to be fulfilling and creatively stimulating? Yeah, Ferdinand was not impressed. As I sat hunched over my desk, wrestling with writer’s block and the crushing weight of self-doubt, he just… unfurled a new leaf. Effortlessly. With grace. The plant equivalent of a nonchalant hair flip.
Exhibit B: Dating App Disasters and the Dreaded Drooping Leaf
Let’s not even talk about my dating life. Or rather, let’s, because Ferdinand seems to have a lot of opinions on the matter. Every time I swipe right on someone who turns out to be… less than ideal (looking at you, guy who started our conversation with “I’m not like other guys”), Ferdinand sheds a single, perfect leaf.