The Pre-Dawn Pact (And Why I Should Have Known Better)
The other day, I stumbled out of bed at the ungodly hour of… well, let’s just say the sun wasn’t even thinking about rising yet. This, my friends, was all part of my grand plan to become one of those mythical creatures: a Morning Person. You know the type – they practically bounce out of bed, chirping about sunshine and green smoothies. I, on the other hand, usually resemble a grumpy bear who’s been rudely awakened from hibernation.
But this time was going to be different. I was determined to join the ranks of the bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I even bought a brand-new alarm clock – one of those obnoxious things that simulate the sunrise and play chirping bird noises. (Spoiler alert: it turns out even fake birds can’t fool Mother Nature when it comes to my sleep schedule.)
Week 1: The Rise (And Mostly Just the Lying There)
Armed with my new alarm clock and an optimism that could rival the sunrise itself, I embarked on my journey to the land of early birds. Here’s a little glimpse into how that went:
Day 1: Woke up feeling surprisingly chipper. Drank a whole glass of lemon water. Went for a jog. Briefly considered writing a self-help book titled “How to Conquer Your Inner Night Owl.” Then promptly fell asleep on the couch at 8 pm.
Day 2: Hit the snooze button approximately 37 times. Considered the merits of quitting my job and becoming a professional sleeper. Ate leftover pizza for breakfast.
Day 3: Successfully made it out of bed before 7 am! Celebrated with a celebratory nap. asleep on the sidelines.
Week 2: Embracing the Snooze (And Other Forms of Surrender)
By week two, my grand experiment had devolved into a series of increasingly desperate attempts to trick myself into waking up. Highlights include:
Moving my alarm clock across the room, which only resulted in me stumbling around blindly and knocking over a lamp.
Trying one of those apps that makes you solve math problems to turn off the alarm. (Let’s just say I’m now a firm believer that math should never be attempted before caffeine.)
Bribing my dog to lick my face until I woke up. (Surprisingly effective, but also kind of gross.)
